I posted this site yesterday; i’m really glad I did.  I had over 200 views yesterday and and almost 100 today.  People are interested; people can be kind.

Appearances to the contrary, I am not normally one to put myself out there when I feel vulnerable.  I come off as strong and self assured when I feel like I can control a situation, in some way.  But when I have no control or when I feel absolutely vulnerable — like I feel now when my body is failing me — I tend to close myself off.  I don’t take calls or go out, I don’t respond to e-mails, I don’t make plans and I certainly don’t reach out for help.  I know this about myself.  It is how I tick, how I have always operated.  Unfortunately, what it means is that instead of simply feeling alone, by virtue of my actions I am alone.

I don’t want to be alone.

This blog has many facets.  It is a tool for learning, a tool for understanding.  For me, it is my little way of staying connected with the world and with the people who kindly want to stay connected with me.  I can’t promise that when I am hurting, when my body aches and sings with pain, that I will be able to pick-up the phone or accept a visitor.  But that does not mean I want to be left alone.

I am asking you, dear reader, to stay by my side through this.  To read these pages as a way to check in on me and to follow my little journey.  I do not ask for your prayers, but only a tiny space in your hearts and a moment in your mind to let me know I am not forgotten.  For your kindness I promise that I will push beyond myself and try to write, about my experiences, how I feel and how I am.

Although I know I could do this myself, this time I just don’t want to.  I want you to come along for the ride.

Today I am calm.  Maybe it’s the fact that I turned in my assignment for my Con Law class or that I am almost done with my classes this semester but for whatever reason, I feel strangely calm today.  I have to admit that it’s nice.

My first PAO surgery is 27 days away, less than 4 weeks, less than 1 month.  Before the surgery I have lots to do and I’m actually looking forward to getting it all done.  I have to finish my classes, finish my law review assignment, go to Miami for Thanksgiving (yea!!!), order my equipment, have two pre-operative appointments, work, and emotionally prepare myself.

My plan is to work through the day before the surgery. If I don’t work and I just sit at home I am sure I will freak out.

However, for today, I am calm. Ahhhhhhhhh…….

(NOTE — this is from 11/12/12)  I’m not sure if it’s the surgery of the fact that I haven’t really eaten anything today aside from coffee but I am totally starting to panic.  I thought that if I wrote it down in this blog it would start to feel better, less like I am freaking out.  Not so much.

31 days.  In 31 days I could grow a rabbit.  Or a skunk.  If, I guess, I were a female rabit or skunk.   But you get my drift.  31 days is the countdown and I am FREAKING out.

Oh, and as if to top it off, I think I caused a hairline fracture in my front tooth.  So I will be gimpy and basically look like a hillbilly if they have to remove the tooth.  I really really really hope they don’t.

I like to think of this as “my right hip”

I thought it would be useful to actually put some pictures into this blog (which, like my law school books, is very text heavy).  So here is a drawing of how hip dysplasia works.  For me, this is probably how my right hip looks where the acetabulum is too shallow and not enough of the femoral head is covered.  My left hip has retroversion — the acetabulum covers enough of the femur but it is tipped forward.  On my right hip, they are going to tip the acetabulum further outward whereas on the left, they will tip the acetabulum toward the back, I think.  I have to be honest, I can’t quite figure it out myself (that’s probably not such a big deal as long as I’m not doing the surgery).

This is a great link to how the PAO surgery is going to go: PAO Animation.  I found it very useful.

I am 36 days away from the first PAO and I decided to take the plunge and make my first purchase of durable medical equipment.  Yes, I promise, this was as uninteresting as it sounds. 

Following the surgery I need a lot of ‘aids’ to help me around the house and, you know, to move and live and stuff.  These aids include (but are not limited to): a shower seat, a gripper (to pick things up from the floor), a raised toilet seat, a wheelchair or walker and crutches.  I will get my compression stockings (hot!) while in the hospital and will wear them for 3 weeks following surgery.

I have decided to start with a wheelchair after the procedure.  I figure it will be my safest bet in case it is slippery after the surgery.  I really don’t want a situation where I have to walk a long distance or accidentally fall after the surgery.  I may change my mind after I have it and switch it out for a walker.  I am 35 years old and may need to use a walker.  This is so screwed up!

As to the crutches, I have decided to go with the Millenial Crutches.  They are supposed to be better for long-term usage and since I will have to use them at a minimum for 6 weeks after each surgery, and likely longer, I had better find something that I like and am comfortable with.

I don’t know what it is.  Maybe it’s the cold, or the fact that it’s November, but I think I am starting to get a little worried.  I feel like it is something that is or should be happening to someone else, but certainly not to me.  And yet it is.  It just feels weird and sorta creepy.  I really want this all to be behind me.  Partly I just want someone to understand how hard I fear this is going to be.  What if it is TERRIBLE and then, 4 months later, i get to do it again?  What if I can’t get back to my life for so long that things get screwed up.  I am starting to play the ‘what if’ game and it’s rough.  I know I shouldn’t but I can’t stop it. 

I’ve never had a broken bone — I don’t understand.