Monthly Archives: September 2012

Trapeze

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I had no idea how it would go when I decided to take a trapeze class with two bad hips and a bad back.  I figured, hey, I’m already broken, what’s the worst that can happen?  I never, ever expected to have so much fun or feel so much more like myself than I have felt in months.

You know what hanging from a trapeze does not do?  It does not demand that weight and stress be pushed down on your hips.  It does not result in repeated shocks to your hip and back.  Instead, you have to use your core and upper body strength (I apparently forgot that my body was made up of parts that are NOT my hips) to hold you up, to cause your legs to swing, to float and to fly.  Was it super easy?  No, not if you want to try to do cool things.  But I don’t like super easy.  I like to be pushed and I really like to not do so well at things and try to get better through practice.  And you know what else?  It’s really really fun (and yes, I am scheduled to do it at least three more times before the season is over).

It’s likely that I won’t be able to do it next season because i will be recovering, but that’s OK.  It was just really nice to feel like a normal, not so broken version of myself, even if only for a few hours.

 

Resignation

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A lot has happened since the last post and I think it was more than I could handle so I just crawled into my shell and pretended.  I wouldn’t say I’m not pretending or not trying to hide in my shell anymore.  I guess I just want a record of how I was doing at certain points in this process so I damn well better write them down lest I forget.

The short story (at some point I’ll post the long story but I simply don’t have the time or energy for it today) is that I am scheduled for a Right PAO on December 13, 2012, and am tentatively scheduled for a Left PAO on April 4th.  I am taking a semester off school to do this and I have such mixed feelings about it I want to vomit on a daily basis.

I guess I really don’t have a choice.  On the one hand, I can have the surgery, have my life suck TREMENDOUSLY for months and maybe a year and then get better and have my life back.  On the other hand I can NOT have the surgery, watch as my body slowly (or quickly declines) and eventually have a hip replacement then another then maybe another.

Fuck.

I promised myself when this process started that I would never thing “why me” – that I would never feel sorry for myself and that I could feel bad or depressed by I could not throw myself a pitty party.  That promise is getting really damn hard to keep.  Sometimes I just want to scream that I don’t understand why my body is being such an ass and why do I have to have these pains every day and why do I have to be such a physical mess.  And no, I don’t get it and I do feel pitty and that makes me MADDER.

But I’m gonna do it.  And I am gonna try to write here because otherwise I am worried my head will explode.  And I am going to admit that I am scared.  Not so scared that something will go wrong but scared that even if things go right, I am putting my life on hold for a long time and it scares the shit out of me.