Resignation

A lot has happened since the last post and I think it was more than I could handle so I just crawled into my shell and pretended.  I wouldn’t say I’m not pretending or not trying to hide in my shell anymore.  I guess I just want a record of how I was doing at certain points in this process so I damn well better write them down lest I forget.

The short story (at some point I’ll post the long story but I simply don’t have the time or energy for it today) is that I am scheduled for a Right PAO on December 13, 2012, and am tentatively scheduled for a Left PAO on April 4th.  I am taking a semester off school to do this and I have such mixed feelings about it I want to vomit on a daily basis.

I guess I really don’t have a choice.  On the one hand, I can have the surgery, have my life suck TREMENDOUSLY for months and maybe a year and then get better and have my life back.  On the other hand I can NOT have the surgery, watch as my body slowly (or quickly declines) and eventually have a hip replacement then another then maybe another.

Fuck.

I promised myself when this process started that I would never thing “why me” – that I would never feel sorry for myself and that I could feel bad or depressed by I could not throw myself a pitty party.  That promise is getting really damn hard to keep.  Sometimes I just want to scream that I don’t understand why my body is being such an ass and why do I have to have these pains every day and why do I have to be such a physical mess.  And no, I don’t get it and I do feel pitty and that makes me MADDER.

But I’m gonna do it.  And I am gonna try to write here because otherwise I am worried my head will explode.  And I am going to admit that I am scared.  Not so scared that something will go wrong but scared that even if things go right, I am putting my life on hold for a long time and it scares the shit out of me.

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