Category Archives: Hip Women Blog

Hey May, whatduyasay?

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I canNOT believe that it’s almost May! OK, it’s 9 days until May, but those 9 days plus the following 7 days and suddenly it’s May 8th and my next surgery! Even before we get to May, I have my last sinus surgery follow-up on May 1st (10 days away), surgical pre-clearance day on April 30th (9 days away), and two medical massages.  Add that to all of the fun things that are upcoming — three (3!) Broadway opening nights; pre-surgery highlights + spa necessities; my dad coming to do the 5-Boro Bike Tour; last minute “see you after your surgery” lunches and dinners; bowling (hopefully); and, if the weather is accommodating, bike rides.

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20130421-143109.jpgIncredibly, bike riding is one of the few physical activities that I can do that doesn’t hurt my hip so last week I was able to go to two FANTASTIC 4-year-olds’ birthday party and a brunch (and wear as many patterns as I could find) — all on my coaster bike.

I am pleased to report that the cortisone injection into the psoas and rectus femoris tendons definitely helped a lot, and for the most part, the pain is significantly decreased.  However, it’s not gone.  I still have pain whenever I go up stairs, I cannot lift my right leg more than about 30 degrees without noticing pain in my joint, and the more I walk the more I hurt.  On Friday, I visited fellow Hip Chick Lauren (who just had a total knee replacement at HSS) and decided to really see what my hip could do.  I walked (with a cane) about the distance I used to walk before the surgeries — and since HSS is about a million blocks from the subway, it meant a lot of walking.  Anyway, I was a bit disappointed to realize that by the end of the night, the pain in my right hip (the hip that had the PAO) was definitely worse than the left, yet untreated hip.  I am positive that my right hip will need another surgery but for now, with rest and intensive massages, I am confident that I will make it through the May 8th surgery.

Not much else to report but here are a few cute photos I thought I’d share.  Hope all are well!

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Guy (my husband) and I, post Easter brunch.

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Bagels at the playground — Boris REALLY wants a bite

Suck It

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I’m not sure why but I am in a really crabby, really anxious mood today.  The weather has started to get colder and I was excited about that for about 23 seconds until I realized that as the weather gets colder, I am getting closer to my first surgery.

It’s funny to feel so excited about something and so angry and anxious about the exact same damn thing at the exact same time.  A little part of me likes the idea of surgery.  No, not because I’ll be better afterwards (which, to be perfectly honest, I don’t know that i believe at all [more on that later]) but because it’s something new to do.  I find myself distracting my energies all the time now.  Trying to find something new to focus on or think about.  Surgery is just another distraction, something I’ve never done before.  A “what the hell, I have a few months of agony to kill” sort of activity.

I wonder sometimes if everyone thinks like this or if I’m the only one.  Probably the latter, though with a few individuals along for the ride.

The anxiety makes sense.  It’s what I feel like if I were looking at my situation from a third-person’s perspective, I would imagine I should feel.  Surgery is scary and something could go wrong or…worse…  Let’s be perfectly clear here.  If I die because of this stupid hip surgery my ghost is gonna be PISSED OFF — just generally a really crab who is gonna poop in your yard and scare your kids and steal your goat.  I have no idea what the hell I am saying but seriously, the dead version of me is gonna be really annoyed if I die.

I think, though, that the more pissed off version of me would be the one that is either in perpetual pain because of the surgery or who is further immobilized.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about.  I guess I’m just anxious about the surgery and the waiting — 66 more days to go.

The anger is just at a myriad of things – my aging, my body, my history, my genetics, my situation, my school.  I am so out of control — I feel like I’m riding on a wagon in the old west, in the dark, and the horses just got spooked by a fox and start running but the wheels are made of wood and start to break down and the wagon is literally falling apart but the horses just keep running.  I feel like I’m the guy holding the reigns and but who has literally no control at all.  Yep, that’s me, right there, with the runaway horses and the broken wheel.  Stupid foxes.

Tonight I’m meeting up with some ladies from my “hip women” group who have all gone through or are going through the same thing as me.  I am looking forward to that.  And to pottery, which is later.

I guess that today, it just feels a little hard to breathe.  And to keep it together.  And keep moving forward.  But I will.  Or at least I will try.

Resignation

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A lot has happened since the last post and I think it was more than I could handle so I just crawled into my shell and pretended.  I wouldn’t say I’m not pretending or not trying to hide in my shell anymore.  I guess I just want a record of how I was doing at certain points in this process so I damn well better write them down lest I forget.

The short story (at some point I’ll post the long story but I simply don’t have the time or energy for it today) is that I am scheduled for a Right PAO on December 13, 2012, and am tentatively scheduled for a Left PAO on April 4th.  I am taking a semester off school to do this and I have such mixed feelings about it I want to vomit on a daily basis.

I guess I really don’t have a choice.  On the one hand, I can have the surgery, have my life suck TREMENDOUSLY for months and maybe a year and then get better and have my life back.  On the other hand I can NOT have the surgery, watch as my body slowly (or quickly declines) and eventually have a hip replacement then another then maybe another.

Fuck.

I promised myself when this process started that I would never thing “why me” – that I would never feel sorry for myself and that I could feel bad or depressed by I could not throw myself a pitty party.  That promise is getting really damn hard to keep.  Sometimes I just want to scream that I don’t understand why my body is being such an ass and why do I have to have these pains every day and why do I have to be such a physical mess.  And no, I don’t get it and I do feel pitty and that makes me MADDER.

But I’m gonna do it.  And I am gonna try to write here because otherwise I am worried my head will explode.  And I am going to admit that I am scared.  Not so scared that something will go wrong but scared that even if things go right, I am putting my life on hold for a long time and it scares the shit out of me.